Journey ain't just a rock band...
Many of you already know the concept of the hero's journey; that is, the idea that all literature--and for that matter, all of life in general--follows that pattern of the journey.
There is "the call," which is, ostensibly, the beginning of the journey;
there is the threshold--literally, crossing over from the known into the unknown;
the "challenges or trials," a.k.a. life's little problems or dragons to be slain;
"the abyss"--when you think the whole world is against you and nothing will ever be right again.
Once you get past all of that you move on to "the transformation," or in other words, the "What have you learned, Dorothy?" moment;
"the atonement"--how have you made peace with what you've learned or become, and finally, "the return" (with a gift), where you come back to the only place you've ever known a changed person with a host of knowledge/skills or wealth to aid in all future endeavors.
Basically, all of literature revolves around some schematic of this journey, and if you think about it, all of your lives do too.
Especially at this stage of your high school careers. Some of you have lived lives and seen things you never should have, never wanted to or never thought you would, for better or worse. All of you have been through problems and overcome obstacles and persevered.
My question this week is--how? How did you do it? What type of mental, spiritual, physical, or intestinal fortitude did you need to have in order to emerge victorious from your journey? What was the journey? Did you embark upon it willingly or were you pushed? What did you learn? Did it change you? For the better? Or worse? Did you have help, or "guardians" as they say in Journey jargon? Tell me about it.
There is "the call," which is, ostensibly, the beginning of the journey;
there is the threshold--literally, crossing over from the known into the unknown;
the "challenges or trials," a.k.a. life's little problems or dragons to be slain;
"the abyss"--when you think the whole world is against you and nothing will ever be right again.
Once you get past all of that you move on to "the transformation," or in other words, the "What have you learned, Dorothy?" moment;
"the atonement"--how have you made peace with what you've learned or become, and finally, "the return" (with a gift), where you come back to the only place you've ever known a changed person with a host of knowledge/skills or wealth to aid in all future endeavors.
Basically, all of literature revolves around some schematic of this journey, and if you think about it, all of your lives do too.
Especially at this stage of your high school careers. Some of you have lived lives and seen things you never should have, never wanted to or never thought you would, for better or worse. All of you have been through problems and overcome obstacles and persevered.
My question this week is--how? How did you do it? What type of mental, spiritual, physical, or intestinal fortitude did you need to have in order to emerge victorious from your journey? What was the journey? Did you embark upon it willingly or were you pushed? What did you learn? Did it change you? For the better? Or worse? Did you have help, or "guardians" as they say in Journey jargon? Tell me about it.
I haven’t been on a journey that is blog-worthy yet, but I think I’m about to start one. As of 4 hours ago, I’m single. It was mutual, for the best, and we’re on good terms.
ReplyDeleteI think that’s the hardest part.
I can’t be angry, or feel anything but empty and hurt. I can’t do anything about it either because I know it’s what we both need. I have to leave the person I love the most because I think it will benefit us later. “The call” was going on a break, which is basically as sample break up, and “the threshold” was making the choice of breaking up or not. It was an unknown, should we take the leap and hope we can find our way back to each other or do we try to work on the last bit we have left and possibly ruin it forever? It sucks to say, but the former was the more viable option. I’d rather know that I’m working to help make something better or at least leave it in the good standing it has than destroy something in an attempt to make it better.
I hope the other steps fall into place and everything works out, but who knows. I don’t know what my journey entails, but I’m sure I will need as much mental and spiritual fortitude I can get. I need to be able to allow things to work as they may, to stop trying to change and predict the future, to have faith that it’s all for a reason and I will get what I am meant to have.
My “guardians” will end up being my friends and my sister and mom that can help me figure out what to do when I need help. They can tell me when I’m working myself up, and when to push or fall back or anything else I go to them with. It will be tough, because I won’t be able to talk about these things to the one person I want to tell everything to. But maybe one day, they won’t be the first person that pops in my head when I need anything. Maybe one day, it won’t hurt as much to think about what just transpired. Maybe one day, December 11 won’t be my least favorite day anymore. Maybe one day, I can look at this blog and smile because by then it will all be okay. I hope that either way, we both are happy. We are now continuing our individual journeys. There are many more parts of the journey to come and go, but I hope that one day they can reconvene.
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ReplyDelete2017 was the year of perseverance.
ReplyDeleteThis year was the year that things began to get bad for me mentally, and when this happened, I had to make myself my main focus. There are always those people who will hold you back. As much as I can blame other people for this, I believe that I am the only person holding myself back. I believe that I hold myself back from my own happiness. When I started to talk to Kayla, I never thought that amount of happiness could ever be taken from me, and the worst part of it all was that I took it from myself.
I was genuinely the happiest I ever was in the beginning of this year. As the year went on and obstacles were beginning to be placed in my way, my mind began to constantly wander and wander and I began to ignore all the positives and focus on the negatives. Of course things have happened that may or may not have caused me to do this, but I want to believe that the only person responsible is myself. I do not want to believe that I’m weak enough to let other people destroy me in such a way.
I’ve visited "the abyss" many times before and I don’t like it, but I bring myself there myself. Other people may give me directions but I am the only person who can truly bring myself there. Every time I leave, I like to think that "the return" is occurring and there will be no more visiting, but it seems as if I have a season pass. My mind continues to wander back to where it was first destroyed and I like to think that I can control it, but I am unaware of how to sometimes. I wish I knew how to permanently stop this from happening.
This is an ongoing struggle of mine that I, every day, try to overcome. When life shakes us up, we tend to ignore any sunlight that’s trying to peek through the dark clouds surrounding us. We sometimes forget to put on our raincoats and we are soon drenched in our own struggles. My experiences with this change in weather continue to shape me.
From my experiences, I learned that happiness is not constant unless it is known within ourselves. I want to, hopefully sooner than later, have that constant happiness I once had back. Maybe losing that happiness is a part of growing up, and if that's the case, I wish I wouldn’t have tried to grow up so fast.
I learned that, just like inhaling tobacco is harmful for your body, so is inhaling the bad that life throws your way. If you forget to exhale the bad, it will eat away at you like cancer.
I learned that, just like when the weather reporter predicts sunshine and we get rain, life isn’t meant to always go the way we plan. We are given storms to challenge ourselves, to learn from them, and to come out stronger.
Most importantly, I learned that it’s okay to break down and cry and be weak once in awhile, but at the end of the day, it is you who has to pick yourself up. You deserve the greatest comeback. You owe that to yourself.
This blog is hard to write because I keep asking myself if I ever been on a journey. Throughout my life there are small journeys, but not a big one. I know it’s coming, but I’m not quite there yet. I would like to address a topic that I’ve been thinking about lately. I’m not even sure if it makes sense to put it in a hero's journey perspective, but let me try.
ReplyDeleteIn the beginning of the year I had a boyfriend. He was sweet and outgoing (maybe a little too outgoing) just like me. We have been dating since last march and we say “I love you”. Those three words are so powerful. In September I began to fall out of that so called “love” for some reason. I mean he had his moments, but overall he treated me so well. I called a break because we were arguing one night over the same situation, and I guess you can say that was my “call”. As we were on break I started questioning myself asking “Do I really love him?” then I realized if I did I wouldn’t be asking myself this. Thinking about it caught me off guard with my life. It would be on my mind every second of everyday. I eventually did what was good for the both of us and broke up with him simply saying that I didn’t love him anymore.
Now looking back on it I ask myself if I even know what love is. The answer; no. I tossed this powerful four letter word around like it’s a ball. I realized that I need to take a step back. I want to experience this word one day and with the right person. Instead of waiting 2 months to say I love you I want to figure out my feelings. This break up made me look at a side of me that I left high and dry. It made me listen to myself and ask the question. Now moving forward in my life I know not to rush into things or feel the need to say anything. The person that I can poor my heart to will eventually come and I just have to patiently wait on it.
The only journey that I have returned victorious from was the journey to my first fight. Fighting itself is terrifying if you are with the wrong people. However, I was with people who saved me from a steep fall. Fighting is my release. My journey was mental. I did need to become more fit, physically, but that was achieved through “mental fortitude” as my coach would say. I was a wimp. A very angry wimp. My coach taught me how to release my emotions through fighting without letting my emotions cloud my judgement. He pushed me everyday. I wanted this. The freedom of my own mind to think without my emotions clouding my judgement without being a machine. Countless hours of rolling. Being the only girl and youngest team member I had to deal with men thinking I wasn’t strong enough or that I wasn’t worth their time. I had to be tactful because I couldn’t move a 250 pound man with sheer force. This forced me to be disciplined and think my way through problems. Granted I don’t always apply these skills to my everyday life. I had to overcome my frustration and ignore belittlement and sexist remarks. Even remarks that were sextual. My coach had guided me as well as built and environment free of the worst (when found out) but with some challenges. I had to earn respect by being good, but I yet to face someone who I couldn’t see as a friend. My first fight came and I was sweaty and nervous and had the nappy cornrows as a tell-tale sign that I was a newbie. When the fight began I zoned out. Somehow I won. The next fight was the same. The third I had consciousness and the nerves began to settle. This was the fight that I made a friend. I had a good match and I won that one too. For my first competition I ended with a championship sword, a gold medal, and a silver medal. Three divisions. A couple matches per division. I literally was able to slowly focus through my nerves and win. I also made friends with my match. She had best me in the other division. We learned from each other. I was finally able to set my emotions aside and fight tactfully. This helped me start of my career as a competitive fighter. I’m thankful for this.
ReplyDeleteYou ever feel like you shouldn’t be somewhere but the only reason you are is because someone dragged you along with them or you were forced to be there? I truly believe the only reason i still should be here today is because of my surrounding people. My journey since February 14, 2001 till December 12, 2017 at 7:56 pm, has been nothing but a constant struggle. I've been through what seems like “it all”, like my life won't ever get better, i'll just become comfortably numb, and get through it.
ReplyDeleteI feel as if i'm living in a constant abyss, like the whole world and everything else is against me. I realized this first in 2011, when my step dad passed away, like he was a perfectly healthy 35 year old man except the fact he snored and had sleep apnea, which was the cause of his death. It seemed as if life didn’t want me to have something as amazing as he was and took it from me, then, as i had finally gotten my life “back on track” or as close to normal as i could my grandmom died from cancer, now it was two of the best things in my life were taken from me. Like the world doesn't want me happy. I try to surround myself with people to make me happy, and they just bring me down, I try to distract myself with school, and that just stresses me out, I try, and I try, and I try and i'm constantly let down.
In 2017, I discovered a lot about myself and the way the everything works. I realised I tend to ignore my problems, till it all builds up and eventually pops, this could be a problem i have made for myself, but i feel as if no one cares. Also, somehow, someway I’ve developed minor anxiety problems and i have to figure out ways to deal with it. And in the end, the only one that really has your back is yourself.
In all of my 16 years I had never stopped smiling, i genuinely believed, “if you look happy, you'll feel it”, but sometimes a fake smile made others happy which made me happy. I basically forced myself to be happy all the time, I’ve always been described as BOLD, or unique, never once: sad or hurt. But that's because i rarely let others see that side of me, deep down, I am hurt and I am sad but on the surface i'm still smiling. I cling to things that make me happy, objects like: sunflowers, or sunshine, people like: my grandfather and shauna, and stupid things like: boys and working out. Somehow, after all, i'm still going, and I'm still going strong, even though I still feel like the world doesn't want me to be truly happy.
I have a lot of stories and I have embarked on many journeys in my life but most are incomplete, either because I’m still reaching for my goals or because I continue to make the same mistakes and I never learn. I can’t talk about how I got over heartbreak, or anxiety, or depression, because the truth is I haven’t, I’m still in the same place I was six weeks ago, 5 months ago, even a year ago. and I think that’s my fault so I’m not much of a hero when it comes to my own mental health.
ReplyDeleteI am a bit of hero when it comes to my physical health, the best example I can think of is my hip surgeries, which isn’t very heroic, nor is it exciting. When I was 12 years old I began to experience pain in my right hip, went to urgent care, got a cortisone shot and was back the next day. When I was fourteen the pain returned and it was worse, that called for another trip to urgent care.
I then saw my orthopedic doctor and after X-rays and MRIs it was concluded that my hip bones were miss shaped and I’d torn my labrum in not only my right hip but also my left. The doctor told me that if I continued to dance I’d need hip replacements by the time I was 30. He also told me I was very close to losing my ability to walk. He wanted to send me to some guy in Texas to get a surgery that may or may not allow me to dance again. Of course, quitting dance was simply not an option for me. Meanwhile I took time off dance and sat out, trying to convince my mom that surgery was the best option.
My mother did some research and we visited the Atlantic Sports Medicine in North Jersey where I met Dr. Scilla. By that summer I was on the operating table, right hip in June, left hip in July just after my 15th birthday.
Here’s what makes me a hero, I listened to the doctors, I didn’t dance no matter how depressed it made me. I went to physical therapy, I iced, I heated, I sat out of shows and concerts, and I cheered my friends on from the wings. I did not dance until I was finally cleared that January.
Not only had I lost my flexibility, but I lost my strength and my endurance and that was the hardest part of recovery. By July an entire year after surgery, I was dancing full time once again and it was like trying to run through water. When the school year began I had a full schedule of dance and finally I’m just starting to feel like myself again.
As an athlete I am very good at dancing through the pain, in fact I don’t notice it until afterwords. I have learned how to treat my aches and pains on my own and how to stretch properly, but I’ve also learned when and where I have to draw the line and see a doctor, because in the end of the day I just want to be healthy and able to do what I love.
I'm not exactly sure when my journey started, but I sure know it's far from being over right now. If I'm being honest, most of my life was just a trail of death: the deadly car accident involving Gabe, the "loss" of one of my sisters, the still unsolved murder of a family friend, the suicide that my neighbor committed, the recent death of my long-time dog, and the death of one of my uncles due to cancer. I'm never exactly sure why, but I think maybe because of all of the things that's happened since I was younger, I'm extremely insecure to a point where it hurts, I can't open up to people, it's really, really hard for me to trust people sometimes. I always try to keep myself from getting attached to anyone, because I'm always in constant fear they'll soon betray me or vanish from existence without me being able to do a thing. When I first saw my boyfriend before started dating or before we even talked, I kept telling myself, "You can like him, but don't get your hopes up. You're a pathetic, ugly, little quiet girl with no future of that type of happiness."
ReplyDeleteI'm so happy I didn't listen to myself this time. I've been happier than I ever could have imagined possible, and I wouldn't trade it for anything at all.
I can't predict the future and what it may hold for me; I don't even know what I want as a career as of right now. All I know is, I want to spend it with the one I love and make him as happy as possible, as much as deemed possible. I'm hoping that someday soon, I'll get to my "transformation" part of my journey. I hope to be a kind person who may be able to open up more to others rather than shutting them out. But for now, I'll let my problems stay my problems. There's no need to rush, right?
I’ll name this journey “Jameel’s Final Form”, for in this journey I became the person I will mostly be for the rest of my life, I have developed my values, and know the image I want to be known and seen as by the world. This journey was long, hostile, and worth it. The journey I went through helped me find emotional and intellectual stability that everyone needs. To mark my journey there were a few prominent moments that changed me. It started with the death of my dad, which started this journey. I was forced to grow up without parents, and it made me the independent person I am today. Secondly, came the time of friendships, this point I had a lot of friends, and was always going out every weekend. Up to this point in my stages to enlightenment, I had learned to not need anyone, and later had learned to be able to put my trust in others which gave me this happy social balance in life. Thirdly, was first love and first loss. These moments pushed my “heart” to its breaking point, as I learned what love is/is not, and the meaning of heartbreak. Fourthly, was seeing the truth about people, this was the most recent, for I saw how evil and good people could be, and how easily-if you allow it- these people could break you down. This journey has torn me down, but it has built me up to someone with a mind cultivated with with and cunningness, and a “heart” made of stone, that only reason and logic can be allowed in, but sometimes illogical ideologies-Love-, make their way through. I feel this journey filled with broken hearts will allow me to make my way to the real world, for without these events I would be weak, gullible, and oblivious like some of the people who think their more enlightened than me.
ReplyDeleteI would say that right now I am at one of the hardest obstacles I have had to face in life. I am barely present with my body because my mind is always in a different place. Friday I lost my uncle and I am currently in the process of losing my abuelo as well. First of all I have absolutely no luck with uncle because both of my blood uncles passed away and one of my two uncles by marriage has no passed away. I would never choose to put myself through this, the reason I go through this is simply because I have to, I don't know if I'm just unlucky or if bad things are just drawn to me. This journey was pushed upon me and I have gotten through loss before but I am not the same person I was before and each time it takes a toll on me. It takes everything in me to get through it and on top of that it distracts me from everything else in my life which is most likely why I haven't been doing the best in school this past week. I honestly feel like this journey is not changing me for the better because it is just making me depressed in all honestly, I cry...a lot like everyday multiple times a day and I just break down randomly. It's hard for me I'm an emotional person as it is and to have so much going on at once is definitely not fun at all. I can say that I am not okay and this journey is not something that will be overcome easily or quickly. I am sadly learning the lesson of not getting close to someone because you never know when god will take them from you. I don't know how wrong that may sound but it's true. I am having person after person that I love be ripped from my life and it (for lack of a better word) sucks. It really really really sucks. It is causing me so much pain and I really don't know how much more of it I can take. It breaks me more and more each time. I know I am not the only who experiences loss however I can say from my personal experiences it is one of the hardest journeys you could be forced to embark on.
ReplyDeleteThe way I was able to conquer previous journey’s were mostly through perseverance and just being able to push forward knowing that it will be over soon and I will be on the other side, the better side thinking about this moment and being glad that it’s over. One of my journey’s was family related and it was something that was pushed upon me no matter what I could do about it there was no way I could’ve avoided it. Once the journey was finally over thankfully I did change and I did learn a lot from it as well, especially about one particular person in my family. The journey changed me for the better because I got a newfound insight on a few things and learned from them. And yes during my Journey I did have two guardians which struggled with me day in and day out while this event went on for quite some time. However in the end me and my two guardians got to a better place and when this distant memory of us going through what we went through pops up we laugh and sometimes we think about the negative side that could of occured if we didn’t end up where we did today.
ReplyDeleteI don’t know how it feels to complete a journey because I’ve never even been close to the finish line . It feels as though I’m in a journey that i honestly don’t even want to be in. No one asks for social anxiety , or to be seen as a complete idiot in the eyes of any beholder .
ReplyDeleteHave you ever tried so hard to explain yourself ? To try to make someone understand why you are the way you are ? And then through all of that they still don’t understand . Then your left feeling like the only one in the world who cares about you is you. and trust me when i say that it’s the loneliest feeling in the world to feel like your not being heard or that nobody cares . So over the years in my eyes I’ve made no personal growth .. so my journey has yet come to an end & I’ve learned nothing positive from it yet.
Journeys that I have been on, is something that I have a very hard time thinking about; whether it’s bad or good. But, a journey that I am currently going through, isn’t yet completed, but in a little over a year, it will be.
ReplyDeleteHigh School. Four years of growing up and probably a time in your life where you go through the most changes. In high school you are able to discover yourself and find out who you are as a person. Each year is special and unique in their own way. Starting your first year as a freshman, you’re considered bottom of the food chain. All eyes are on you, not only are your peers watching you with close eyes but teachers and coaches as well. It’s the beginning of the end to your social life, but, you will appreciate it in the long run.
Next comes sophomore year. To be honest sophomore year can be looked at to be pretty boring and uneventful which is something I 100% agree with. The beginning can still tend to be fun because you still have some left over excitement from the “amazing” freshman year, but after that it starts to wear off. Sophomore year was the biggest pain in my ass because it was honestly one of the biggest adjustments I had to go through. Just imagine having the time of your life, getting good grades, and still managing to have a good amount of free time the year before, now getting flushed right down the drain. It sucks. But one positive outlook on this year is you are no longer at the bottom at of the food chain anymore but you have not yet climbed the ladder to become the superior upperclassmen.
Now, here I am. Junior year. Which is arguably the most important year of my high school career. I’m finally an upperclassmen and this is my year to shine a give all I got. It is the time to build up my college resumes and boost up my grades to end the year with the best grades I can to put on transcripts. But the best part is finally going to prom, and oh my gosh, don’t even get me started. It is only December meaning I, and the rest of us, have a long journey to face until we can finally walk across the stage to receive our diplomas and finally being able to say, “hey, I really did it.”
I know that we are supposed to talk about a journey that we have gone threw and have come out the other side stronger but truth be told the journey I am currently on is the only thing ever on my mind well besides school. This journey started on September 21, 2016 when I injured my back swimming and I can honestly say has been the toughest thing I’ve ever had to go threw personally.Physically i'm getting better, i'm still in pain and get numbness but my back just went back into alignment which is good. I’ve started to do a tiny bit of strengthening which I have been told is good but i'm still waiting on the clearance to swim. I ask every time I go to physical therapy so i'm pretty sure he probably is annoyed but i'm not good with the unknown I just need a timeline.Im also not good with a timeline because once I get the date in my head there is nothing stopping and then when it doesn't happen I get more upset. If I am being honest i'm mentally weak I can't deal with the day to day reminders of what I used to have instead I hide from it until it punches me in the gut(which happens about once a day).My new playlist on spotify consists of Sam Smith, Ed Sheeran, John Legend and “I Fall Apart” by Post Malone. I decided to put away all of my bathing suits, trophies, medals and ribbons into a box under my bed and deleted all of my swim apps off my phone. The hardest thing to do is sit back and watch my teammates swim and have fun together because I remember so vividly what it felt like my freshman year it was the best time of my life. I did not embark on this journey willingly I actually refused to believe I was injured and it took me over a year and for my doctor to tell me that if I continued to swim I could do permanent damage to finally take a break and invest my time into recovery. If I am being honest i'm still in “the abyss” and am waiting for the reason but most of all I want to come to peace with what has happened but I just don’t know how I feel like I’ve been broken for so long that it's almost my new normal. My “guardians” have been my current physical therapist for making sure I stay on the right path for recovery but also for sitting me down and telling me what needed to be done even though I didn't want to hear it and also my swim coaches who stuck by me and who have been there for me through all my cry sessions, anxiety attacks, indecisiveness, good days, bad days. One good thing has come out of this and that is I found a passion for coaching with that being said I still can’t wait until I can get back in the water.
ReplyDeleteMy journey started this year with taking four AP classes. It was the unknown for me because even though I did take one last year I was not ready for what was in store this year. It is a huge workload and just when I think I get a break sometimes I get a wave of assignments and a new lesson in calc which I have absolutely no idea how to do. Like honestly who's idea was it to make kid's lives 546356 times harder by inventing a new math? The last time I was in the abyss was probably last week. Problems were hitting me all at once and I had a ton of work to do and I got little to no sleep. I felt like giving up. But coming back from that I have suddenly become super hype and motivated. I feel more motivated than ever in swim after I felt like I wanted to quit for a while. It has once again become one of the things that distracts me from my problems and distractions are how I deal with most of my problems. And I sure need some right now. I just hope I don't fall back into the abyss. 2017 started off amazing and I was the happiest I've ever been for most of the year but now it had been getting harder and harder to get out of bed. My journey through this school year is far from over but I hope to continue to stay motivated and hype and happy.
ReplyDeleteI have had a journey with my anxiety. It has taken me to the darkest parts of my life, becoming more than just anxiety. I had challenges such as trying new things, being involved, and even getting out of bed. My comforter was literally my safety blanket for a solid three months.
ReplyDeletePhysically, there wasn’t much I could change. It all had to do with my mental state and how I viewed situations. I started seeing a therapist and eventually went from seeing each other once a week to now every few months or so. I see that as an improvement I accomplished myself. I pushed myself to do it.
I also relied on my mother quite a bit. Normally if I felt anxious, her presence would make the feeling subside. Nothing about that has changed and my mom is still a huge part of my journey. Therefore I wouldn’t say my journey is over.
So far, I have a much different outlook on life. I have gained a new mindset that has overall improved everything which I would say has changed me for the better.
Besides my mom, my friends have been a really big part of all this. They take my mind off of whatever I’m obsessing over when I need them to the most. Also my brother has helped me. He doesn’t try to act like he understands how I feel while at the same time, doesn’t make me feel crazy which many people struggle to do. Without these people, who knows where I would stand with my anxiety? Even though my journey isn’t complete and there are still everyday battles, I look forward to a life where getting out of bed is no longer a chore.
Ever since 7th grade my biggest struggle in life has been anxiety. I live in a house hold with the most outgoing people on the planet. Because of this I’m an in outcast in my own home. I become the different the second you see my family. My life kind of hit a rock my freshman year, I drifted away slowly from a toxic friendship that was exhausting me and seriously concerning my family, so my worst problem in life became anxiety. I couldn’t speak infront of classes, I would get anxiety so bad I wouldn’t be able to function in half of my classes. One class gave me so much anxiety that the air near that class would get thick and my breathing would become strange. I had my first panic attack which changed my life. My teacher yelled at me and then from then on I thought no one was going to understand me or try to help me. I kept to myself, it helped me for just a moment because my friends and family stopped saying unhelpful things to me. They stopped telling me “ its not that big of a deal” they stopped telling me to get over it. But all of the sudden I stopped enjoying the things I loved the most and started to fear them instead. I didn’t go to parties anymore, so I stopped making friends. Over time I started writing, instead of bottling up my feelings. I never knew how bad it was my freshman year till I looked back at the kind of stuff I would write. I was a mess, I almost dropped out of school three times because I would come home crying everyday. Therapy did nothing for me, if I couldn’t speak to people in general why would putting me infront of a person I don’t know make it any better. Over the span of two years, the only thing that proved helpful and safe was writing. I would write everytime I felt anxious or had a panic attack. Now I’m in my junior year and some things have changed but not too much. It took me a few years to get comfortable with speaking to teachers, but even now it is still hard. I still have some not so great habits but I am here. Still in school, I get here almost everyday. I haven’t faked sick or asked to be driven in late to miss a class. I spent a lot of my time talking to God instead of my family about anxiety, it proved to be more cathartic and helped me. I am no where near finished my journey, however I’m getting there.
ReplyDelete